It comes every year- most people get excited or pumped up to celebrate their birthday, but not me. Never have, and probably never will. Every year, my birthday gets tossed out with the trash. Yes, this post is about to be a complete “poor me”, especially when I work hard on extending myself and being a good friend.
Many years ago, a friend told me that I basically suck as a friend. She informed me that I was too needy, she said I never gave anything to the friendship, she told me that she needed me, and I wasn’t available for her. Of course those words stung- not only did they sting, but they stuck. It was only a few years later that yet another friend felt the need to share her disgust for me on the friend level. She, too, said I asked too much. She also said I wasn’t there for her, and told me that friendships ebb and flow. After my second hate mail from a “friend”, I decided I needed to re-evaluate my friend base.
Since those letters, and these past years, I have been very mindful of how I reciprocate in a friendship. I make sure I put effort into making it to others’ events, I make sure I clear my schedule to attend the dinners or house parties, I make sure to send a “missing you” text, and “need to get together soon” love note to those I miss in my day-to-day.
So, would it be so much to ask for a little in return? Why is the lime light so bright for others when it’s their birthday and then so dull and lonely for others? Why is it cool for me to plan my own birthday gatherings? Why do I have to buy my own cake?
Is it because I’m too needy? Is it because I didn’t kiss other’s assess enough to get freaking recognized on my special day?
You know what I say:
The hell with birthdays. They are stupid, right up there with Valentines day. Just another day to feel left out in the cold, just another day to reflect on your life’s journey, just another day to make a wish that will never come true!
As I write this, I am reflecting on the last drink I had with some friends. One said to me that she was at a point in her life where she felt she wasn’t going to chase after friendships. She said if she wasn’t getting what she needed from the relationship, why continue to give it any of her energy?
This is where I’m at!
Friendships shouldn’t make us feel used or under appreciated. They shouldn’t make us feel needy, or left to feel like we have asked too much. I have found great comfort in spending most of my time solo, at least I don’t let myself down, as least I don’t slow myself down, at least I don’t ask too much of myself!
So after I buy my own cake again this year, and blow out my candles, My heart will be filled with the love that I am ALWAYS blessed with from my husband and my children. As long as I have them, I have the best kind of friends a girl can ask for, her family!
I ask you now, how do you deal with friends who have left you to feel down, how do you know when it’s time to invest in someone or turn them down? When does one know a true friend from a phony friend? I’m getting too old to be let down by the friends in my life.
This year I hope my wish comes true; be true to yourself and others will be true in return.
Happy Freaking Birthday!