I suppose you could call this my welcome back post. It’s been a while since I’ve written anything for RunItLikeAMom. In fact, it’s been a while since I’ve written anything that wasn’t work-related. As lives will do, mine was on a bit of a downswing last year. Hell, let’s call it a nosedive. Whatever you want to call it, it was the hardest, most life-changing series of events I’ve gone through and I’m still fighting to come out of it all stronger than I was before.
My world was rocked the hardest by the loss of my brother. He got sick in the fall of 2013 and passed away on May 3, 2014. Cancer. He was only forty-five. Talk about a brutal kick in the gut. He was my only sibling and I miss him like crazy every day. Although we disagreed about everything from music, to movies, literature and politics, he was and will always be the guy who made me laugh the most. My annoying, funny, frustrating and beloved big brother. Man, how I long for just one more argument about something that will leave us both infuriated, but usually laughing at one another. Gone are those days, until we meet again.
This is when people usually say that, if nothing else, the loss of their loved one reminded them of the transient nature of life. That they understand more clearly now that tomorrow isn’t promised. That they cherish each moment and hold closer to them the people they love most and often take for granted. Yup, that’s undeniably such a meaningful and profound lesson. When I’m not distracted by my chaotic schedule, I’ll stop and think about my brother and how I should be living in the present rather than according to my watch.
But I’m still pissed off that’s he’s gone too young. My world feels sad and foreign. My positive outlook is tainted. I don’t want to be bitter, but I can’t help it. I wanted him to see my girls grow up and for his youngest niece to give him an even harder time than I did, because they had that special bond. It’s just not fair that he won’t. Well at least not in the way I had imagined. There are some days I want to sit and cry and others where I find motivation from his memory and feel stronger than ever. Although the loss gets easier with time, the sadness never really leaves you. So I’ll mellow in my sadness a bit longer because it’s what I need right now. And that’s ok.
I know, because I’ve been here before in different ways, that I’ll rise from the ashes. I’ll come out of this and I’ll be stronger, because that’s what pain like this does. You either succumb to it or you learn from it. And I chose to learn and grow. I have to for my girls and for me. I keep sane by doing what we all do to distract the mind to give it time to heal. I run, ride my bike, play with my girls and, of course, I work. I stopped writing because it was too hard, too emotional – my emotions were still too raw. This was harder for me than I thought it would be, writing this post. Writing usually comes easy, but not so much anymore. But the difficulty inspires me. I know the more I do it, the more I’ll heal. So I’m going to try again to open myself up. Wish me luck, RILAM readers.
And rest in peace, big brother. We love you.